However you label them, children are likely to lie somewhere along the way. While a younger child may conjure up an elaborate tale about how he/she couldn’t possibly have kicked a younger sibling, older kids may flat-out lie about doing their homework.
Sometimes the onset of lying is sudden and intense. This, of course, is concerning to parents. But if caregivers can understand why children lie and be prepared to deal with the issue, the truth can come out.
Why Children lie?
Most parents think children lie to get something they want, avoid a consequence or get out of something they don’t want to do. These are common motivations, but there are also some less obvious reasons why children might not tell the truth or at least the whole truth.
To test out a new behavior
One reason children lie is because they’ve discovered this idea and are trying it out, just as they do with most kinds of behaviors, to see what happens. They’ll wonder, “what happens if I lie about this situation?”;“What will it do for me?”;” What does it get me out of?”;” What does it get me?”.
To enhance self-esteem and gain approval
Children who lack confidence may tell grandiose lies to make themselves seem more impressive, special or talented to inflate their self-esteem and make themselves look good in the eyes of others.
To get the focus off themselves
Children with anxiety or depression might lie about their symptoms to get the spotlight off them. Or they might minimize their issues, saying something like “No, no I slept fine last night” because they don’t want people worrying about them.
Speaking before they think
Children may lie out of impulsivity. One of the hallmarks of the impulsive type of ADHD is to talk before they think.
Sometimes children really believe that they have done something and tell what sounds like a lie. Sometimes they will really just forget.
And then there are white lies
Just to make things even trickier, in certain situations children tell a white lie in order to benefit someone else or to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.
Different aged children and lies
Toddlers:
It’s usually pretty obvious when one of 2-year-old twin boys, Raj and Sunny, has a dirty diaper and you have to determine which one, if you ask them, they’ll each simultaneously say the other’s name. They don’t want to go through the rigmarole of a diaper change, so they lie about it.
Such self-serving fibs are the first kinds of lies many young toddlers try out. As any mom of a toddler or preschooler can tell you, kids as young as 3—sometimes even 2—will tell very simple lies, denying they’ve done something or in order to gain something for themselves.
Preschoolers: small people, tall tales
One of my student’s stories about her dad wearing a saree is typical of 3-to 5-year-olds’ freewheeling relationship with reality. This is the age of invisible friends, horned monsters and talking rainbows. Though she recently outgrew them, by reporting the companionship of not one, but 4 imaginary sisters, each with a name, birth date and backstory. “The sisters did things that she couldn’t do, like wear pink dresses every day,” says her dad.
Preschoolers’ tall tales can be pure play, or sometimes wishful thinking. And it’s not unusual for young kids to insist, as my student did, that their fantasy world is real. It’s not really a lie, what your child indicates when he says ‘He’s real’ is the tremendous colorfulness, prominence, and importance of his imaginary friends.
If a particular tall tale troubles you, it’s important to keep things in perspective. If a child seems happy and has realistic relationships with the important people in his life, I would not be worried about his fantasizing. That’s what children did before there was TV. Remember that what seems outlandish to adults may simply be a child’s way of processing new ideas.
Schoolkids: they’ve got their reasons
Sunil ,8 and his brother Anil, 6, both denied pilfering their sister’s hospital newborn bracelet from a keepsake box. “I yelled and cajoled and said no Sunday breakfast for either one until they confessed,” says their mom. A few minutes later, Anil owned up. But when his mom asked for details, he panicked. “Finally, he admitted, ‘I got nothin’. I just wanted you guys to stop asking,’ ” shesays. Then Sunil , the real perp, burst into tears.
Anil’s attempt to take the rap for his big brother signals an important developmental step: the ability to tell a white (or “prosocial”) lie—one that benefits someone else or is told to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. It actually shows a bit of social awareness and sensitivity.
What parents can do about lying
It’s first important to think about the function of the lie.
Level 1 lie :When it comes to attention-seeking lying, it’s best to ignore it. Rather than saying harshly, “That’s a lie. I know that didn’t happen to you,” I suggest a gentle approach where parents don’t necessarily have a consequence but they’re also not trying to feed it a lot of attention.
This is especially true if the lying is coming from a place of low self-esteem. So if they’re saying, ‘I scored 10 goals today at recess in soccer and everybody put me on their shoulders and it was amazing’ and you think it’s not true, then I would say don’t ask a bunch of follow-up questions. For these kinds of low-level lies that aren’t really hurting anyone but aren’t good behavior, ignoring and redirecting to something that you know is more factual is the way to go.
Level 2 lie: If that doesn’t work, parents can be more transparent about it by offering a mild reprimand. I’ve had situations where it’s an inflated kind of fantastical type of lie. If the child is telling one of these stories, a parent will gently say, ‘Hey, this sounds like a tall tale, why don’t you try again and tell me what really happened?’. It’s about pointing out the behavior and encouraging children to try again.
Level 3 lie: If something is more serious, like older kids lying about where they’ve been or whether they’ve done their homework, parents can think about having a consequence. Children should be clear that there will be repercussions for this kind of lie, so it’s not coming out of the blue. Like all consequences, it should be something short-lived, not overblown, which gives the child a chance to get back to practicing better behaviors. Some examples: losing his/her phone for an hour or having to do a chore.
Also, depending on the severity, there also has to be a component of addressing what they were lying about. If a child has said he didn’t have any homework all week and then the parent finds out he had homework every day, there needs to be some kind of consequence for the lying and he also has to sit down and do all the work. If he’s hit another child and lied about it, there’s a consequence for the lying and also for hitting. In this case, you would also have him write an apology letter to the other child.
Ways to help your children avoid lying in the first place
Let them know that truth reduces consequences
For instance, if teens have been drinking at a party, the parent will want them to call to be picked up. But children know there also has to be a consequence for the drinking.
In this situation, where lying would have been easier, when parents are doling out the consequence they can also praise the child for telling the truth and tell them it makes them more trustworthy. They might also reduce the consequence, such as letting children know they’re taking their phone away for a day instead of a week.
Children and teens should not think consequences are negotiable. Sometimes the child will say, ‘But I told you the truth,’.They’ll get manipulative, saying, ‘This is just making me want to never tell the truth again’, parents shouldn’t give in at that point.
Use truth checks
Let’s say parents have been told by a teacher their child didn’t do her homework. It’s suggested that they give their child a chance to tell the truth. If he doesn’t at first, the parents could say, “I’m going to walk away and give you 10 minutes and then I’m going to come back and ask you again. If you change your mind and want to give me a different answer, it’s just a truth check and you won’t get in trouble.”
This way, if a child gives an off-the-cuff answer because he’s scared of consequences or he doesn’t want to disappoint a parent, he has the chance to really think about whether he wants to lie or fess up without the consequences. It is also noted that this technique isn’t for a child who chronically lies.
Use the preamble method
Parents can also set up children to tell the truth by reminding them that they don’t expect perfection. Parents could say, “I’m going to ask you a question and maybe you’re going to tell me something I don’t really want to hear. But remember, your behavior is not who you are. I love you know matter what, and sometimes people make mistakes. So I want you to think about giving me an honest answer.” Giving kids a chance to reflect on this may lead to them telling the truth.
Give children more time to think
Children who are prone to giving impulsive answers that come out as lies, need some extra time to think things through before speaking. Impulsivity can be a problem both at
home and in school, when a teacher asks if a child has finished an assignment and the child answers yes without even looking at his paper. That’s when he needs to be taught to slow down and check his work.